HAIR OF THE DOG WEEK 15: Kansas City Chiefs at Houston Texans – Battle Red Blog

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Wasn’t going to upstage the biggest sporting event of the year…but it did offer more than expected.
For pretty much the entire planet, there was only one sporting event worth watching: the World Cup Final. You had two international soccer/football powerhouses in Argentina and France. You had the two biggest stars in the game with Argentina’s Lionel Messi and France’s Kylian Mbappe. You had Argentina go up 2-0 and with 10 minutes left in regulation. They were on cruise control for the World Cup. Then in the span of two minutes, Mbappe scored two goals to level the match. The game went into overtime. Messi scores to give Argentina the lead, only for Mbappe to match him with three minutes left in overtime. Then penalty kicks. Argentina won that shootout 4-2 and clinched their third World Cup.
To follow that madness…we had Kansas City coming to Houston. This screamed KC blowout. Houston had the near-miss at Dallas, but most figured that they would not be a burden to the AFC West leading Kansas City Chiefs. NRG Stadium was Kansas City South based on fan attendance. Yet, the Houston Texans somehow gave Kansas City a fight. Houston actually lead at the half and at the start of the fourth quarter. Mahomes played like MVP Mahomes at times, but KC seemed intent on making this way harder than it needed to be. Playing for a 51 yard FG at the end of regulation? That is not the strategy of a championship team. KC botched their 1st possession in OT and Houston had the ball, only needing a FG to pull-off the upset. Then Davis Mills fumbled in derptastic fashion, Kansas City scored the subsequent 26-yard rushing TD, giving them their seventh straight division title. Houston moved that much closer to locking up the #1 pick in the 2023 draft.
As always, your Battle Red Masthead followed the surprisingly tight matchup from Houston. Clearly, there were takes on this. Some good, some bad, and some, well, you watch nearly two seasons of Davis Mills reaffirming he is not a franchise QB, all while watching a team that has but a few players any other team would consider playing on their squad on Sundays…yeah…In classic ‘Dog fashion, all questionable words have been edited for readability in “professional” settings. With that, on to the ‘Dog:
HOTD WEEK 15: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (And may [insert preferred deity here] have mercy on our souls)
[Ed Note: There was a bit of commentary on the World Cup Final. Some of that conversation has been edited out except where relevant to American football interests. Still, it was as bonkers and intense a World Cup final as you could ever hope to see. Much can, will, and should be said about this particular World Cup, but FIFA, et al got the dream matchup, and it definitely didn’t disappoint. Now back to your regularly scheduled ‘Dog]
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This game has unofficially being brought to you by Bartesian. When your team is tumbling head long into the worst record in the NFL and the worst record in franchise history you probably need to drink and drink often. Bartesian mixes 50 different cocktail flawlessly. You can do it in the safety of your own home. The good folks at BRB remind everyone not to drive or operate power tools while using Bartesian.
l4blitzer
So, apparently Howard is getting the start at Guard today. Stupid-ball is in full bloom for the Texans today…
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You’re kittening me?
So Charlie Heck at right tackle?
l4blitzer
Yep..still…Howard at guard. When has that really been effective. As a tackle, solid, but guard????
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Honest question: is heck better than whoever they would have put at guard? I guess that’s the thinking. My thinking is four out five guys could have played their normal spot.
l4blitzer
Possible. Still, not expecting good things here
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With Rex Burkhead as your primary runner and Chris Moore as your primary receiver? The [KITTEN] you say?
l4blitzer
Well, Moore balled last week, but the rest…
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Yes he did
l4blitzer
Ok. We have hit peak insanity in Qatar now. Mbappe has single handedly tied it up against Argentina. 2-2. If this goes extra time, does Fox bump the NFL pregame?
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I’m watching and just caught the goal in time
l4blitzer
Looks like the pregame show gettin’ bumped
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And we go extra innings
l4blitzer
I’m just waiting to see if this goes to penalties and then this bumps the early NFL games on Fox…let the gripping begin
Messi answers. Mbappe…you’re up.
Patrick
It will not serve as a surprise to anyone but I’m seeing more Chiefs fans here than Texans fans.
l4blitzer
Really? You don’t say?
Patrick
I do say.
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Shocked
l4blitzer
Next, you’re going to tell me that there’s gambling at Rick’s
And Mbappe answers…HOLY DURGA KITTEN
The last few seconds of this game…sheer bonkers…absolute bonkers
PKs…think the early games on Fox gettin’ bumped
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Possibly. I switched to CBS during the break
l4blitzer
I highly doubt any of the games today are going to match the madness of this final.
vballretired
It was as entertaining as soccer can be
Oh and did I mention Bartesian? Folks it’s almost game time. Let’s mix those drinks.
Patrick
This is a Chiefs home game.
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Aren’t they all?
Patrick
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Hey Kevin Harlan is doing this one. Second string crew today rather than sixth.
Patrick
He usually does Chiefs and Green Bay Packers games.
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Lots of fans dressed as empty seats
Yay we get the ball first
Driskel with the start
Playing both guys
That throw just hit a fan and made him spill his beer
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Ok, first down for KC. Does Mahomes torch us or do they gash our run defense?
Maholmes with the rare bad throw
HOU possession
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Hit Moore in the worst spot…the hands
The screen to Burkhead doesn’t work. Who would have guessed?
Three and out. I’m pretty sure we lead the league in those.
That’s a sack
Hey, they forced another punt
HOU POSSESSION
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Nice throw by Mills to our leading receiver
First down Burkhead
l4blitzer
Texans matriculating the ball down the field…and that reference works for this matchup in particular
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Now that looks familiar
Dropped by Aikins in the end zone
PI call on KC
Hahahahahahahahaha
l4blitzer
Awww, Kansas City with the early holiday gift
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Driskel/Driscoll just ran out of bounds taking the sack
Patrick
STOP THE GAME! STOP THE GAME!
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Unspellable with the touchdown catch
l4blitzer
:::NFL immediately investigate Chiefs for match fixing:::
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I have a 21.5 point lead over my wife
Mills to Quitoriano for 8 yard TD; HOU 7 – KC 0; 1:01, 1st
l4blitzer
So the Texans did outscore Mbappe…
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I’m going back door cover
Patrick
The two quarterback threat…worked? Hail Hydra!
KC POSSESSION
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There is that vaunted run defense
Damn that was competitive defense right there
END OF THE 1ST QUARTER…TEXANS ACTUALLY LEADING…FOR NOW
2ND QUARTER
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Four down territory
l4blitzer
Commentators talking about the Texans giving away a puppy.
That kinda game
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No need for fourth down
l4blitzer
Oh, our pass _efense has entered the game
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That was a great effort by the defense there
MAHOMES TO MCKINNON for 20 YARD TD; KC 7 – HOU 7; 12:27, 2nd
HOU POSSESSION
l4blitzer
Uh, how about that? Another 1st down.
Joe Critz
chris moore has been looking better
l4blitzer
Dorsett passing? Why not? Everyone else is apparently playing QB for the Texans, so let’s add to the tab.
KC POSSESSION
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Fumble?!
TEXANS WITH THE FUMBLE RECOVERY AT THE KC 17; HOU BALL
Joe Critz
WOOO
l4blitzer
And we start with the knocked down incomplete pass
Joe Critz
hahaha
i just wanna see jeff driskel run straight if he’s getting the ball
l4blitzer
But why pass when you can run the Galloping Giraffe in the Serengeti…
Joe Critz
DAVIS MILLS RUN
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Did I just see that or is my diabetes medication causing hallucinations?
Joe Critz
WHAT THE HECK
i didn’t know he could do that?!?!
DAVIS MILLS WITH THE 17 YARD SCRAMBLE FOR THE TD: HOU 14 – KC 7; 9:19, 2nd
Patrick
Runaway giraffe!!
l4blitzer
Here I was thinking that the Texans game could no way match the bonkerness of the WC final, but they are doing the whole “Challenge Accepted” thing.
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I didn’t they’d score 14 points for the remainder of the season
KC POSSESSION
l4blitzer
The running back for the Chiefs is [BLANK]. He gained [enter high number of positive yards]
Maybe the NFL really does need to investigate for match-fixing. Chiefs with the plethora of self-inflected wounds.
HOU POSSESSION
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Garbage sack for Collins
l4blitzer
Apparently it is not being scored as a sack…
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That sucks for him
l4blitzer
In for running back for Houston is [BLANK]. He just gained [Enter number of positive yards]
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This is just weird
l4blitzer
Given that Buffalo won last night, KC needs to win just to keep up with them in the race for home field advantage in the playoffs. Can’t be dogging it here.
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Ok, that’s more like it
l4blitzer
Everyone saw that run coming with Driskel/Driscoll…
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I think there’s a site called cowardly punts. I’m not sure why I remembered that just now.
l4blitzer
Shoulda gone for it, but they at least pinned KC at their own 3 yard line
I bet the surrender index is awesome for that punt.
KC POSSESSION
l4blitzer
After a major great play and KC with the dumb penalty…they really ain’t into this game right now.
Never mind
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Ladies and gentlemen, that’s the difference between a franchise QB and just a guy.
2 MINUTE WARNING
l4blitzer
Total Texans _efense in effect
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Wow. Maholmes is fun to watch though
l4blitzer
Welp, that was fun while it lasted.
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Another touchdown. Pending review
We have a halftime lead!!!!
MAHOMES TO A KC WR WITH A LONG HYPHENATED NAME, BUT KC MISSES THE EXTRA POINT. CURRENT TEXANS 14 – OLD TEXANS 13; 0:14; 2ND
l4blitzer
What were the odds for the Texans having a halftime lead? Asking for a KC player..hypothetically.
HALFTIME…AND HOUSTON HOLDS THE LEAD. REPEAT, THE TEXANS HOLD THE LEAD.
HALFTIME REACTIONS (IF ANY)
Patrick
I can’t say I saw the Texans having the lead at the half, that’s for damn sure.
vballretired
Okay, this team has played some good football the last two weeks. They would be undermanned even if completely healthy. Missing a half dozen starters is more than remarkable. They are still losing this game, but it makes this team a lot more fun to watch.
l4blitzer
Part of me feels like this game is the equivalent of my cat playing with a cricket. The cat is dominant and will win, but the cat just plays with the insect, offering moments where the bug can still jump around and make the cat work. That is my sense with this one. Credit to the Texans mostly continuing the devil-may-care attitude and still fighting, but this game should not be this close. Chiefs can be too arrogant for their own good, and this was evident in the 1st half. Expect them to bear down and squash the Texans under their paws in the second half.
vballretired
I’ve seen my cats play that game for years. Boy cats are particularly bad about that. Girl cats just kill it and eat it.
KC with the ball first
Un efense back
Razzle dazzle
And the Chiefs said kitten it. We will just go ahead and win it.
KC POSSESSION
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Who needs third down? Oh heck, who needs second down?
Man he’s fun to watch
Wow, holding them to a field goal
16-14 Native American leaders
l4blitzer
_EFENSE!!! _EFENSE!!! _EFENSE!!!
BUTKER WITH THE 27 YARD FG; O.G. TEXANS 16 – NEW SCHOOL TEXANS 14; 9:05, 3RD
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Houston possession
Ok, that looks familiar. Normalcy has returned.
l4blitzer
Great start to the 2nd half offense
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Three and out baby!
l4blitzer
Supremely goodest start to the H-town 2nd half offense
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I would say goodly or goodish
KC Possession
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They are over 100 yards rushing by the way
Ouch
Patrick
Christian Harris out there making plays.
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Hahahahahahahaha
l4blitzer
It’s tough enough to stop the Chiefs straight up. Unnecessary Roughness Penalties really don’t help.
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Given this season it was completely necessary
l4blitzer
Don’t think that JuJu will put that hold on Instagram
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KC imploding here
l4blitzer
What sort of ink is Andy Reid using in those mustaches? The fumes are getting to the KC players and coaches here.
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I think all of those plays were legal when we were kids
l4blitzer
Texans’ Challenge. Please stand by…Please stand by…Please stand by….
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Somewhere Caserio has a voodoo doll for Reid
Fumble fumble fumble!
AT LONG LAST, THE OFFICIALS DECIDED THAT IT WAS A FUMBLE. HOUSTON BALL
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Burkhead on third down?
Ok, that looks familiar
l4blitzer
Houston on the move…but a classic 1st down incompletion by Houston after a gift of a penalty
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I smell Fairbairn
Wow KC is struggling
l4blitzer
KC Arrogance blinds them…
On the other hand, Houston won’t say no to the gifts
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Hahahagahahaha
This is nuts
l4blitzer
Chiefs MUST have big money on losing to us. That is the only explanation…that or they are way too overconfident and they will get one of those loses they shouldn’t because they play too loose.
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The weekly Tunsil false start
Holy kittens!!!!!
I lead by 19.5 points
l4blitzer
Ah, see, Tunsil wanted to hook up his QB for more fantasy points for the pass play.
Patrick
I am so confused.
MILLS TO AKINS FOR 12 YARD TD; HOU 21 – KC 16; 1:25, 3RD
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Hey the fourth quarter is coming. It’s our time!
l4blitzer
Welp, this ain’t World Cup Final insane, but this is getting kinda fun and crazy…
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Normalcy will return
Huge hit by Hairston
KC POSSESSION
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Un Efense is back
Yup, it’s our time now!
3RD QUARTER ENDS. THIS GAME IS GOING EXACTLY LIKE WE ALL FIGURED IT WOULD, WITH HOU LEADING IN A CLOSE MATCHUP WITH KC
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What’s remarkable is that we are on pace to surrender about 450 yards yet still somehow lead
l4blitzer
Bend but don’t break at its finest
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Harris with a clutch penalty there
l4blitzer
Well, he is a rookie, so those are to be expected.
Now, how does KC sabotage this one?
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Maholmes showing why he earns 20 million per season after taxes
Wow that was competitive defense
MAHOMES ACTUALLY DOES NOT SELF-DESTRUCT ON THIS DRIVE, WITH THE 5 YARD TD SCRAMBLE. THROW IN A 2 PT CONVERSION AND KC WITH THE 24-21 LEAD; 11:57, 4TH
l4blitzer
“All he had to do was outrun Lopez…I can still do that” Andre Ware with the assessment of the day.
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Still lead my better half by 11.5 points. Let’s go back door cover!
HOU POSSESSION
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Chiefs already over 400 yards total offense
Look at Mills go
He’s the Texans leading rusher I think
l4blitzer
Wouldn’t surprise me.
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96 yards passing
l4blitzer
Just checked. Freeman has a 9 yard advantage (29 to 20)
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Another penalty on KC
l4blitzer
GLORY TO ALL PENALTY OFFENSE
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Razzle dazzle
Damn, nice catch by Jordan
l4blitzer
Chiefs just…can’t…shake…off…Houston
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Jacktown beating Dallas. Interesting
l4blitzer
Excellent. Houston broke them
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Wow, look at this
l4blitzer
Houston matriculating that ball down the field, boys…
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Never mind, Dallas winning again
l4blitzer
Ah well, it is Jacksonville, so you can’t put too much faith in them (coming from a Houston fan)
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I keep waiting for something stupid to happen
Patrick
Lovie’s gonna get another year out of this isn’t he?
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Ok, that was it
l4blitzer
Depends. Who’s the next hot New England prospect?
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Jared Mayo
l4blitzer
That is more realistic than we want/realize…
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I’m going Jonathan Gannon
l4blitzer
Ware not holding back criticizing the play calling here.
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Tie ballgame
FAIRBARIN WITH THE 29 YARD FG, TIE GAME BETWEEN THE TWO FRANCHISES THAT CLAIM THE TEXANS AS A NICKNAME AT ONE POINT IN THEIR RESPECTIVE HISTORIES 24-24; 5:11, 4TH
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Not that I want Gannon. That’s just my prediction.
l4blitzer
Not likely to happen here, but how stupid would a tie with KC be for this season?
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Two ties equal a win?
Joe Critz
This game is crazy
l4blitzer
Eh, in international soccer parlance, a tie is only worth 1 point, so 2 ties = 2 points. A win = 3 points
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Imagine the Arizona/Denver game between two kitteny teams with backup QBs
l4blitzer
How is that going to be any better than if they played their starters?
Joe Critz
Davis Mills is having his end of season comeback szn!!!
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Maybe we can decide on penetrations
Patrick
Should we be happy with Christian Harris? He’s played well so far.
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Somewhat
l4blitzer
He is happy to be here and isn’t pouting, so that is something
Joe Critz
I think so
He’s been pretty alright
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I think you give all these rookies a pass until they bring in real coaching
l4blitzer
Chiefs just going to run it so they can kill the clock and kick the winning FG?
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Yeah, why risk it?
Gash the un efense
TWO MINUTE WARNING
l4blitzer
Ah, that pesky scrambling QB thingy…
Joe Critz
Mahomes doing the scrambling thing makes my heart sink so fast
l4blitzer
I get Houston taking the timeouts to try to save time, but if KC just gets another 10-15 yards, they will just kneel down and finish it.
vballretired
Pretty much
Making them earn it I guess
l4blitzer
Well, if they think they can manage a 50 yard FG for the win…ok.
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Harlan adding the hex
Overtime
Joe Critz
WOOOOOO
KC MISSED THE 51 YARDER TO WIN: 24-24 with 0:08.
l4blitzer
Ware also hexed the kicker
Kenneth L.
Wild
l4blitzer
Still, dumb of KC to play for a 50+ yarder.
When they could and should have moved it closer.
Kenneth L.
Agreed
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This has not been Reid’s finest effort
Chiefs get the ball
Patrick
This is [KITTEN]ing nuts.
BONUS FOOTBALL: TEXANS 24 – CHIEFS 24 GOING INTO OVERTIME
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Hey you got your money’s worth
KC will surpass 500 yards total offense. This is nuts
KC POSSESSION
l4blitzer
Do we think now KC will just play for the TD and finish this thing?
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They just wanted more yards
Jacktown going to OT
That was easy
KC timeout
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I think Kelce has like 20 catches
l4blitzer
Gee…Kelce has been a thorn in the Texans’ side for years. Maybe KC should try to go to him more often.
Kelce with 9 catches today. Well, now 10
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Holy cow a sack
Kenneth L.
LETS RIDE
FOOLS
l4blitzer
…and KC is out of FG range. Kansas City really wants to lose here, don’t they?
Patrick
What the hell is going on here?!
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No matter what happens I cover
HOU POSSESSION
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Let’s go tie!
Kenneth L.
If we end the season with more ties than wins I’ll commit treason
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That’s hilarious
Kenneth L.
Well [KITTEN]
Patrick
Oh [KITTEN] you Mills.
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Oh come. Embrace the comedy
l4blitzer
Well, most giraffes can’t hold things well with their hooves.
KC RECOVERS THE DAVIS MILLS FUMBLE, KC BALL AT THE HOU 26
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Hahahahahahahahahaha
And we are 1-12-1
Kenneth L.
That felt scripted
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Or just stupid
Kenneth L.
It’s all a lie
Nothing is real
Joe Critz
NOOOO
🙁
KC MERCIFULLY ENDS THIS COMEDY OF ERRORS WITH A MCKINNON 26 YARD TD RUN. KC 30 – HOU 24. HOUSTON FALLS TO 1-12-1
Kenneth L.
Nothing matters
It’s all over
Woe is me
Meanwhile I’m giggling at this
Carlos Flores
If that wasn’t the most Texan [KITTEN] I’ve ever seen in my whole life
l4blitzer
KC with the win on the field, but probably lost a lot of money betting against themselves (allegedly)
Carlos Flores
How could they make me follow up the greatest World Cup game I’ve ever seen in my life with this. [KITTEN] Fox.
Or CBS, Pluckers, who cares.
l4blitzer
Too bad KC couldn’t sign Messi or Mbappe to kick FGs…would have ended this a lot sooner
vballretired
This is building towards a Lovie/Saturday showdown in Week 18. Ladies and gentlemen, that will be must watch tv.
GAME BALLS: This was a strange game in many facets. The Texans were outgained over 2-1 in yardage. Kansas City ran over 20 more plays than Houston and nearly held a 2-1 advantage in time of possession. Yet, KC also had over 100 yards in penalties and lost the turnover battle 2-1. For Houston, no one player really stood out. However, the defense, even though they surrendered 30 points, made KC work for their points. They also didn’t interfere too much when Kansas City self-destructed. Game Ball to rookie LB Christian Harris, leading the squad with 14 tackles, include three TFLs, and generally flying around like a possessed Argentine midfielder. We’ll also toss one Christian Kirksey’s way for his 11-tackle, one sack, one TFL effort. Also, while there is much to criticize about him, the leadership of Lovie Smith, keeping this team fighting and making life [KITTEN] for heavily-favored contenders needs acknowledgement.
SHOULD BE FORCED TO SWEEP THE STREET INTERCHANGE BETWEEN THE GALLERIA/LOOP 610/I-10: Davis Mills. Mills has had plenty of chances to show he could be the man for the Texans. He once again had the chance to lead a game-winning drive. Once again, he didn’t get it done. Time is up for Mills. While he not the sole reason for the Texans’ struggles, his clutch-for-Kansas City-fumble is the nail in the coffin for his starting career in Houston. He’ll finish out the season, but Mills should not be the one to lead this team in 2023.
KC Coaching Staff: Houston did their part to lose this game, and their 13th non-winning decision this season is well-deserved. However, Kansas City, a team that won the Super Bowl three seasons ago and was in the game two seasons ago, seemed to want to out-derp the Houston staff. Poor disciplined play and some incredibly questionable tactical decisions in the 4th quarter nearly cost Kansas City a game that they could ill-afford to lose. They won, clinched the division and stayed within striking distance of home-field for the AFC playoffs. However, this type of performance will cost them against superior competition. They have the talent, but sometimes, their arrogance will cost them. It did in the AFC Championship last year, and it nearly did so in Houston. Also, Kansas City kicker Harrison Butker, with a missed PAT and somehow making Andy Reid think that playing for a 51-yard FG is a winning strategy. Make the PAT, and the Chiefs tie at halftime and get strategic advantage. Make the FG, and OT is not a concern. Not helping the reputation of kickers, dude.
After their second near-miss of upsetting a playoff-contending team, the Texans will look to give another playoff-contending opponent massive angst. That opponent: the suddenly struggling Titans of Tennessee. Kickoff is at noon central in Nashville this Saturday, Christmas Eve.
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