Hilarious New Year's Resolutions By A Redneck Couple And Their … – NewsBreak Original

pawznews February 6, 2022

Husband: Stop blaming my farts on my wife
Wife: Stop blaming my farts on the dog
Dog: Fart more this year. They're going to blame me anyway

Husband: Stop secretly feeding the dog my wife's casseroles
Wife: Find more casserole recipes – my husband eats them up so fast!
Dog: Fart Under the table when they don't feed me casserole

Husband: Go fishing more
Wife: Spend more time as a couple
Husband: Buy my wife a fishing pole

Husband: Don't lick any frozen flagpoles
Wife: Stop daring my husband to lick frozen flagpoles
Dog: Pee on more flagpoles

Husband: Tell more dad jokes
Wife: Roll my eyes at my husband less
Husband: About that resolution you just made…might be hard to keep.
Dog: That reminds me, tell more cat jokes

Husband: clean out the shed so I can have that man cave I always wanted
Wife: Get hubby to clean out the shed so I can store my stuff there

Husband: Ask my wife how she feels about polygamy
Husband later: NEVER ask my wife how she feels about polygamy

Husband: Cuss less this year by starting a cuss jar. $1 goes in per cuss word whether spoken out loud or under my breath.
Wife: Remodel the entire kitchen this year!
Husband: (stuffs $100 in the cuss jar)
Dog: what's all the mumbling about?

Husband: Let my wife have the TV remote more often
Wife: Watch more educational programs rather than mindless TV
Husband: Scratch that resolution above and hide remote

Husband: Drink less alcoholic beverages
Wife: Go to church more, read the bible more
Husband: Remind my wife that drinking wine was in the bible

Husband: Go to the gym more often
Wife: Encourage my hubby to go to the gym more often
Husband: Find a sports bar named "Gym."

Husband: Prank my wife less often since it obviously annoys her
Wife: Stop freaking out when the cat is staring at nothing
Husband: Nix that first resolution and say "Oh my God, you don't see that??!!" when the cat stares at nothing

Husband: Live life and eat more junk food. Yolo.
Wife: Encourage my hubby to be more spiritual
Husband: Show my wife a fat statue of Buddha and explain that being spiritual obviously goes along with eating more junk food.

Husband: Be more responsible and act like an adult
Wife: Take my hubby to the Star Wars convention
Hubby: Make the best storm trooper costume ever!

Hubby: Eat more bacon
Wife: Make healthier meals…maybe more healthy casseroles
Hubby: Create a fake website to prove to my wife that a casserole made entirely of bacon is extremely healthy
Dog: Fart under the table because I already know you're not sharing that bacon casserole.

Husband: Get all the tools back that my buddies borrowed from me last year.
Wife: Finish all our home repairs this year
Husband: Postpone resolution above and remind wife that I can't possibly do any projects as long as my tools are all loaned out

Husband: Watch more football games
Wife: Encourage hubby to quit his bad habits…like watching football all the time
Husband: Remind wife that nobody likes a quitter

Husband: Watch more football
Wife: Encourage hubby to read more
Husband: Turn subtitles on while watching football so it counts as reading.

Husband: remember to let the dog out more without being reminded
Wife: remind hubby to let the dog out more
Dog: fart more….they'll both let me out more

Click "follow" below to keep up with my latest articles about the south, my home state of Alabama, and my hometown in the Shoals of north Alabama. Click on my photo and scroll down to read all my past articles. Have a story to tell or an interesting topic you'd like to see covered? Email me at [email protected]. As always, thanks for reading!

April Killian is a native of Florence, Alabama and writes about her home state of Alabama and the Shoals area. She is the mom of many pets and 3 adult children. Along with writing, she sells vintage items online and conducts estate sales in her area. She is a lifelong supporter of charity work, loves life, and tries to be a positive force in this world in everything she does! Her writing passions include: family and social issues, nature, humor, the paranormal and anything interesting or weird! Click on "follow" to see more of her articles in the future! https://www.buymeacoffee.com/Aprilkillian
More from April Killian
Alabama is a unique state with unique people. It's my home state. I love Alabama. That being said, however, I'll be the first to admit that a lot of weird things happen here. In 2022, I found myself reading the headlines and saying, "only in Alabama" way too many times. Alabama made the national news a lot last year…many times for all the wrong reasons. Here's a look back at 2022 and some of the weird news stories that Alabama gave the world….
Start the new year off with a….splash! This Sunday at 1pm, hundreds of people are expected to gather and brave the frigid waters of the Tennessee River at the annual "Plunge Into The New Year" at McFarland Park in Florence. The story behind this event and the reason it continues into it's 7th year, is one of love, compassion, re-birth and remembrance. It started small – as a way for a few people to honor the life of a friend but has grown into a big event for bringing awareness to suicide prevention in the Shoals. This is definitely an event you don't want to miss!
Don't worry, north Alabama – by New Year's Day we'll be completely thawed out. After experiencing extremely low temperatures with the invading "arctic blast" over the Christmas weekend, temperatures are expected to go back up…and quickly. By New Year's Day, forecasters are expecting temperatures in the mid 60's. By Monday, January 2nd, temperatures are expected to be close to 70° across north Alabama. Once again, we can all sigh and say "only in Alabama!"
A fair Housing Act lawsuit has been settled in Ashland, Alabama.The U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Alabama has approved $275,000 in damages that will be paid to 23 current or former tenants of public housing. The lawsuit involved The Public Housing Authority of Ashland, Southern Development Company of Ashland Ltd., Southern Development Company of Ashland #2 Ltd., and Southern Development Company LLC who were the private owners and agent of two of the low-income housing communities managed by the Housing Authority. These defendants denied the accusations but were able to reach a settlement. They will also face a civil penalty.
An Alabama business owner based in Harvest, Alabama of Madison County is in big trouble with the U.S. Federal Government over recent business dealings where he is accused of evading U.S. sanctions and smuggling parts to Iran.
There's a general consensus among a lot of Alabamians that "the only good snake is a dead snake." People hate snakes because they're afraid of them or think they're all scary, slimy or evil. Some people kill any snake they encounter "just in case" it's venemous. But what if the snake they kill is non-venemous and actually keeping the poisonous snakes away? There is an extremely rare black snake being spotted in Alabama that does just that. Not only is this snake harmlesss to humans, it actually kills and eats venomous snakes like the cottonmouth, copperhead and rattlesnake! In fact, most black snakes in Alabama are more beneficial to keep around than you may think. If you see this black snake in Alabama, don't kill it!
This is an opinion article. Please consult your local law enforcement agency for current gun laws in your state and/or local area. Alabama is officially becoming a "Constitutional Carry" state as of January 1, 2023. This means that a state issued gun permit from the Sheriff's Office will no longer be required for a legal gun owner 21 years or older in Alabama to carry a firearm concealed on their person or in their vehicle. This new law makes it easier than ever for women to carry a weapon on their person for self protection – but, how that weapon is carried can sometimes defeat the whole purpose of having one. For example, a lot of women naturally choose to carry their firearm where they carry everything else: in their purse. While concealment in a purse may seem like the most logical choice, it can often be one of the worst – even with the specially made conceal carry handbags. I am pro-gun myself and pro-concealed carry for women, especially – but I'm also of the mindset that if you can't carry safely and responsibly as a woman, you shouldn't carry at all. Please take a look at the following scenarios about concealed carry and why a woman should think twice about carrying a gun in her purse.
Alabama and Tennessee both have a relatively new law you should know about that was passed in 2016 and 2017 respectively: The Purple Paint Law. In fact, Purple Paint Laws now exist in 15 states: Alabama, Arkansas, Arizona, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Missouri, Montana, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Maine and Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, this new law won't prevent your neighbor from having the tackiest house on the block – but here's what it does mean and what you should know….
In 1970, I was 5 years old. I spent the first half of the 70s begging my parents for a dog – and the last half of the 70s finally having my own pup and also having the job of picking up it's poo from the yard. It wasn't that hard to do. Every Saturday, I spent the morning scouring the back yard with shovel in hand – easily spotting the little white "packages" left by my dog, Rusty. Wait…did I say "white?" Yes, I did – and I bet if you're old enough, that you remember when dog poo was chalky, dry, and white, too. In the 70s and 80s, even into part of the 90s, bright white, dry, chalky dog poo was common….and everywhere. We never see that now. So, what happened to white dog poo?
If you grew up in the Shoals area of north Alabama and you're over 40 years old, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about when I refer to "the strip" that was located in Florence. Take a look back at some of the places along the strip and see if you remember. I've even found a few old photos that are sure to take you back. Let's take one more loop, Shoals….let's cruise the strip!
A lake can hold many secrets underneath her deep murky veil of water. When the water level is low and the the lake pulls back her veil for a moment, we can get a glimpse into that secret world – and it's often a glimpse into history. Underneath the lakes of the Tennessee Valley lie flooded places that people once called home. There were farms, homes, schools, churches, and graves. What happened to those places in the Tennessee Valley when the lakes were formed? Come with me down another rabbit hole and see what secrets the lakes hold. Flooded graves in the Tennessee Valley: a rare look when the water level is low.
There's no better time than now to be outdoors! The brutal southern summer heat has passed and the trees are showing their spectacular colors of autumn. We have lots of great places to enjoy nature in the Shoals – so, no excuses! Get out there and take a hike, a bike ride, or simply relax and watch the leaves fall. Here are some of the best places in the Shoals to enjoy the great outdoors!
The following is a true southern ghost story, as related to me by my grandmother. Two things that my sweet grandma could serve up best were a good meal and a great story. My grandma was known far and wide for her delicious home cooking and southern hospitality. She definitely loved to cook as much as she loved to talk – and when she shared a story, it was as delicious as her food. People from all walks of life would stop by my grandparents home in rural Colbert County, Alabama, to enjoy a good meal and good company…traveling salesmen, pastors, relatives, old friends, and even the occasional hobo passing through on the nearby railroad. Everyone was welcome there and no one ever left hungry. After the meal, guests enjoyed a slice of my grandma's "secret recipe" coconut cake….and as the feast slowed down, the conversation geared up. Back then, everyone lingered at the dinner table to talk long after the meal was over. That was the best part – when the stories of the "old days" of growing up in the country or the hard times of surviving the Great Depression were spun like golden yarns. As a child, I loved to listen to the grown-ups tell their tales. During the occasional pause in the conversation, I never missed the opportunity to jump right in and make a request for my favorite tale: a spooky ghost story. After a few laughs, someone would usually humor me – and out of all the ghost stories they shared, this one told by my grandma herself was my favorite. Stick with me till the end – there's a big surprise you'll never expect!
For several years, the internet has been going crazy over photos and videos of the mummified bodies of two deceased young girls from different parts of the world – who both suddenly seem to be opening and closing their eyes. Could it be true? Read along, watch the videos, then give your opinion in the comments!
Who doesn't remember reading 13 Alabama Ghosts and Jeffrey in school? If you grew up in Alabama, I can guarantee the book was in your school library. This was pre-internet time, after all. From it's first publishing in 1969, 13 Alabama Ghosts and Jeffrey was a huge hit and wildly popular – especially among it's targeted audience of young readers. Authors, Kathryn Tucker Windham and folklorist Margaret Gillis Figh gave a gift that kept us turning the pages in suspense. Not only did the book contain wonderfully southern crafted tales of hauntings and eerie sightings, but each story centered around an actual haunted location in our own state of Alabama. This brought the stories home and made them real. So, what has happened to these infamous creepy locations featured in the book since it was published? Do they still exsist? Let's revisit the places that gave birth to the spooky stories and see.
Halloween is almost here – along with creepy decorations of tombstones, black cats, spider webs, and lots and lots of bats. In fact, the bat has become synonymous with all things dark and creepy on halloween – but have you ever taken a closer look at these mysterious winged creatures? Contrary to urban myths, bats are not all ravenous bloodsuckers nor are they harmful. They're actually a vital part of our environment. Bats deserve more credit than simply being a part of our Halloween decor! In Alabama, there are several caves that you can visit and watch thousands of bats take to the skies at dusk in spectacular horror movie form! Let's go…to the Alabama bat caves!
Gators…gators everywhere! For many years, photos of alligators supposedly sighted around the Tennessee Valley have been passed around regularly on social media. Sightings from the mouth of Cypress Creek near McFarland Park in Florence all the way across the state have been a point of argument and speculation in north Alabama. The latest, below, is a photo shared by James Spann on his Facebook page. It was taken by Edith Fuqua recently in Wheeler Wildlife Refuge near Decatur. Is the photo a hoax or is it true that we have alligators lurking around in the Tennessee Valley? Actually, yes we do have alligators in the Tennessee Valley! How some of them got here, however, may surprise you.
Pink is the color of love. Most people associate the color pink with being soft, feminine…even sweet. It's one of my favorite colors. I have two daughters – so, there's a lot of pink in my world! When I heard a new term today, "Pink Meanie," it took me aback a little. What the heck is a "Pink Meanie?" My first thought: it sounds like one of those girls we all hated in high school. The kind that looked so sweet and innocent but could turn and sting like a hornet! Turns out that the actual "Pink Meanie" can sting, too…and suddenly theres a whole bunch of Pink Meanies along our Alabama Beaches. Has the Alabama coast been taken over by a bunch of sassy cruel teenage girls? Not quite. It looks like we have a new guest on our coast – courtesy of Hurricane Ian. Here's everything you need to know about the Pink Meanies.
Alabama has some truly creepy sounding places. Some are towns and some are rural areas where the name dates back to early settlers – but all can be found currently on Google Maps. Would you take a midnight drive alone to some of these places? Take a look at the list and tell me what you think in the comments!

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Hilarious New Year's Resolutions By A Redneck Couple And Their … – NewsBreak Original

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