Aging Dog's Care Becomes Obstacle in Relationship – Dear Abby – Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a seven-year relationship with a beautiful woman I love and would do anything in the world for. I feel she would do the same for me. She has a dog, "Preston," who she loves and who has been with her since puppyhood. At 16, Preston is failing badly and is on his last legs. There is no doubt his time is coming.
We had planned on meeting my son and grandchildren for a family celebration after a seven-hour drive. Her plan was to accompany me, but now, because of Preston's condition, she has changed her mind. I understand that. However, she's now angry that I am going alone.
I spend every day with her and go out of my way always to support her. She has no grandchildren, having lost her only daughter two decades ago. I will be gone for only a weekend and return in plenty of time to be with her afterward.
I haven't seen my three granddaughters in a year, and who knows when I will again. Should I feel guilty about leaving her and the dog? I am stuck in the middle here, and am going to upset her or my son's family no matter what I do. — MAN IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR MAN: You stated that your significant other's only child died 20 years ago. It is possible that puppy Preston became like a child to her, and losing him is causing her to revisit the loss of her daughter. If there is any way to manage it, postpone the visit with your son and his family until later in the year, after Preston's passing, or have them come to you. If that's not possible, because it's only a weekend, go see your son and your grandkids but remain in contact with her from afar during the visit.
DEAR ABBY: My first husband was abusive, and I divorced him after less than four years of marriage. We had two daughters. In 2016, I remarried, this time to a loving, caring man. My oldest daughter was my maid of honor. A year after our wedding, she married her soul mate. Her father and I, including our current spouses, paid for their reception.
Since 2017, this daughter has continually asked us for financial assistance. At first we helped, but after a terrible argument, we drew the line, and she decided to sever our relationship completely. She sees us occasionally during holidays and is cordial, but she doesn't call or text for my birthday or Mother's Day, which is very hurtful.
I don't know where to turn, except to pray. I don't want to be estranged anymore. I miss her terribly, but do not want to be financially taken advantage of any longer. Any advice would help. — HEARTBROKEN IN DELAWARE
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Would you really like to receive birthday and Mother's Day greetings knowing they didn't come from the heart and that you were paying for them? This is what your daughter's actions have revealed. You have not caused this estrangement; she has, because you turned off the spigot.
I'm sure you are hurting, because that is what your daughter intends. Since prayer hasn't helped you cope with this, consult a licensed mental health professional, and I suspect you will have better results. You have my sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: I reconnected with an old flame, "Ollie," eight years ago. We would see each other and catch up during a weekly event he hosted. We're both married with kids. We kept it non-physical but connected emotionally. We chatted every day and confessed our attraction to each other while still not engaging in anything more than our weekly encounters among friends.
People often assumed we were husband and wife. At the time, I was going through a horrible period in my marriage. My husband, "Pete," was emotionally abusive and one night even threatened to kill me. Pete and I went to couples counseling, and I went to counseling on my own.
During the first five years of reconnecting with Ollie, he was supportive, accepting and very kind. I fell in love with him, and he with me. We had one quick hug before I left for the holidays. When I returned, we had an intimate kiss. Then COVID hit. Obviously, there was no physical contact after that kiss, but we still talk nearly every day. We have seen each other at business functions among friends twice in three months.
Pete has actually changed and has apologized for how he treated me. We got along nicely during the quarantine. I am just no longer attracted to him. I no longer trust him. He knows nothing of my friendship with Ollie. I also don't think Ollie will ever give in to his feelings for me. What can I do? — CONFOUNDED IN IOWA
DEAR CONFOUNDED: Go back to your counselor. You have some heavy decisions to make about how you want to live the rest of your life. Remove Ollie from the equation and ask yourself if you really want to stay married to someone to whom you are no longer attracted and no longer completely trust.
Some people are so fearful of the prospect of being alone that they stay in empty or abusive relationships. Figure out whether you have the strength to go it alone, and you will have the answer to your question.
DEAR ABBY: I live in an over-55 condominium community in Florida. Overall, it's calm and quiet, which is why I moved here. My favorite pastime and form of exercise is to go to the pool. However, some neighbors think nothing of playing their music loudly in the pool area.
I would never subject anyone else to my taste in music in such a public arena, and I can't understand why they think they have the right to inflict it on other people without asking. I have spoken to them politely and asked that they refrain, but they continue to do exactly as they want. Any suggestions? — DESPERATELY SEEKING PEACE AND QUIET
DEAR DESPERATELY: Because you have spoken to the neighbors about this with no success, I will offer some suggestions. The first would be to bring this to the attention of the manager and the board of directors of your condominium association. Consideration for others should not need to be written into the bylaws, but the sad reality is that sometimes it does.
Another solution could be as simple as the music lovers wearing ear buds to enjoy their music without bothering others. However, if that doesn't solve the problem, you may have to invest in noise-canceling headphones for yourself.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 47-year-old gay man. I'm well-educated, but there's something I can't figure out. Why do straight guys NOT want to be friends? I never hit on them, I enjoy a lot of the same pastimes like games, working on cars, etc. I want to be transparent, but when I tell them upfront, they disappear.
Sometimes it gets back to me that they thought I was asking them on a date if I invited someone to go to a ballgame, for example. I have plenty of female friends, but what I really want is a male best friend or, hell, just a male friend, period.
Of course, everyone has their own opinions on what I should do — "join a meeting, a group, social activities and blah blah." I have done all of those things, and I can't figure out what's wrong. I have now learned to just keep my mouth shut and not invite anyone to do anything.
Any suggestions would be welcomed, but I have pretty much tried everything, including seeing a counselor. — CURIOUS IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR CURIOUS: The problem you're having with straight men may be that they are nervous about being perceived as "gay by association" if they are friendly with you. Some may also find the concept of being friends with a gay man to be threatening.
Taking part in group activities and outings is certainly a way to connect with others regardless of sexual orientation. Eventually, you'll meet people and form friendships. In the meantime, appreciate those female friends of yours and ask them for some input, too.
DEAR ABBY: This has been a rough pandemic for all of us. We have all experienced the constant fear of disease, job loss and the pressure to react to those stresses in prescribed ways that aren't always easy. For those of us who deal with mental health issues on the best of days, it has become a real struggle.
I have a group of friends who have not managed to do well through it all. Previous issues multiplied, and their lives have become pitiable messes. Early on in the pandemic, we attempted to keep moods up with weekly Zoom hangouts. It helped a little, but because my mental status has always been a little better than theirs, I was never a focus of support.
As the world has begun to open up, we have been able to see each other in person, and it has become obvious to me that I need to distance myself from them to protect what I have worked so hard to maintain. Do I owe them an explanation about why I cannot be with them? I worry that pointing out that things are not good would drag them down further.
These are people I have known for decades, but I don't have the energy to act as emotional support for them anymore. I'd like to leave them in the best shape I can. What should I say to them? — CARING FRIEND IN THE EAST
DEAR CARING FRIEND: Be less available when you are contacted. When you do, your excuse should be truthful. Say you need time to yourself to work on your own mental health issues and therefore will be less available. You do not have to apologize for it, nor should you feel guilty for taking care of yourself.
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